My Grateful List and Strength List

A few hours ago I wrote about making the grateful list and my strength list. The grateful list shouldn't be difficult, but I shall not write too much here to avoid showing off. However, I find it hard to make my strength list, especially after I suffered a loss of confidence for the last two years. Well, I should just try.

My Grateful List

• I am healthy.
• I have achieved some of my dreams.
• I am on my way to achieve some of my dreams.
• My family is healthy and getting better at some things.
• I am a PhD student with some experience in not one, but two industries.

My Strength List

• I am bright. 
• Indeed I am poor at some skills, but I am sure I can learn new things and be good at it.
• I know how to learn new things.
• I have learnt to cope with many challenges in life.
• I have a better understanding of how myself and people work (a.k.a. a wisdom, to some extent).
• I know how to network; I just need to cultivate my interpersonal skills.
• I am awesome.

Alhamdulillah.

New Effort, Last Effort

Years ago, in early 2007, I had a freelance work on a book about a girl fought her way out of depression. That was my first time confronting this issue. I learned about depression from her stories, and I remember thinking I can relate to her struggle to some extent. But back then I didn’t consider the possibility seriously, perhaps because I wasn’t losing myself, perhaps because I still can handle it.

Between 2008 to 2010, I had moments when I just wanted to disappear. Accepting the fact that I failed to study abroad costed me three days zombie-ing in my room. And my family’s undergoing turbulent challenges put me—all of us, indeed—in constant stress. All I wanted was to go to school again.

I started graduate school in 2010 and things declined steadily. Some of my friends were young women dreaming of a happy marriage—one of the reasons why I wanted to study abroad, avoiding this kind of talk. I started PhD classes in 2011, a nervous little girl among experienced lecturers and researchers. Soon I realized that a PhD thesis was beyond my league. And I had to work. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.