About 2008 and 2009

I always say that 2008 was the hardest. That's when I had to fight my anger to the man I can't rely on, and my not-so-old-woman broke my heart by being up to her ears to someone else. I was alone, being lost in the world I could not interpret. Sometimes I wish I had a big brother or a big sister because being the oldest child in the family means you will always be the first in encountering anything and no one knows better than you do, especially when you can't consider your parents as older than you are.

I had to struggle to feed myself, literally. I paid my accommodation, school fee, and thesis-related stuffs on my own. I used to teach many foreigners, spend half of my daytime to teach them--or worse, in the buses (sometimes standing). Luckily, physically I was fine. However, the hardest of all was the last few days in 2008, counting for my undergraduate thesis defense.

Some people might not believe that I had such a very low self-esteem. I think it's genetic, that I inherited it from the man I never heard of anymore. I had to fight my own weaknesses. It's ironic, considering that this WEAKness was very STRONG. I'm still fighting it, but it's much weaker now. In this term, I think I'm fine in general.

The year 2009 was a year of learning. I finally had times to think about myself, my life, my future. I started to understand the meanings of friendship and humanity. But I wasted a lot of my time back then. I hate the fact that I did not do my best. I resent the fact that I made so many mistakes. I regret the fact that I miss some important opportunities.

In the end, I realized that I can't blame anyone. I was already 20-21 (during 2009). Every single thing happened to me was a consequence of my previous acts, decisions, and attitudes. That's why I regretted it even worse. This feeling engulfed me for a few days in December. I was afraid of what might happen in 2010.

My biggest fear is that I would not be able to go to school again. But, hell, I'll do anything for this. I'll decimate anything on my way there. So, please don't expect much from me. Travel and holiday? Crap, I'd rather save my money, and spend my time to work or study. Expensive shoes? That's in the bottom of my list.

Study, study, study. Graduate study. I don't care with anything else.

I am grateful that I have many good friends. But everyone has their own battle, and though you can expect others to support you, you can't expect anyone to help you. For me, 2010 is when the future is near, and I'm ensuring myself that there's nothing to fear...