Beyond My Misfortune

It’s funny that I revert to my old habit—blogging—again after abandoning it for a few months. It reminds me about writing a diary, I enjoyed it a lot, and then neglect it, and then came back with a new excitement to it. There are always stories to tell. I’m not talkative (usually, I let my friends tell me anything, and I don’t say much about myself), but I do love writing.

This time I’m going to contemplate about what I considered as a misfortune. I’ve learned that if I see it through a different glasses, I would find a blessing. However, sometimes my evil side tries to drown me with her negative perspectives; thereby I need to prescribe it in order to remind myself about how lucky I am.

First of all, I hate money. Let me assure you that I injected every ounce of resentment steaming in my heart into the word hate. When I was 5 until 10, I had many costly courses. I really enjoyed it despite what other they-thought-they-know-everything-but-hell-actually-they-don’t people said about elementary school students should just play around and have fun with their peers. Hey, I was happy. I didn’t mind about not having pretty schoolbags or cute dresses. I wanted courses, more courses. Years later I realized that those courses were expensive to be afforded by my family, but my old woman knew that they worth much more than buying a new carpet or even a magic jar. My good grades were her only relief (even though I don’t think my grades were good enough).

Things were heading south as my old man started locking himself in his puny world. I can’t say I enjoyed my teenage life. College years were worse. The old man was practically unproductive. There was no income. Who in their right mind would not try their best when they have two kids under 20 and two kids under 10? Well, my old man would.

When I was 19, I was compelled to be independent. Yes, I knew that it’s already time. In France, it is legal for parents to evict their own children over 18 years old (I am sure it is fine to be done in Indonesia too since there is no law about it). Moreover, some of my friends had become independent one or two years earlier. Well, the difference was their old men also tried their best or have passed away. What happened to me was my old man said nothing, asked nothing. He’s healthy and he got some skill. But he did almost nothing. I’ve long considered him as NOT EXIST. Later I found that it is much better than having a brutal or dictatorial old man.

Many of my friends expressed their envy to my capability to stand on my own feet. They thought that working and having their own money is a very good thing. Well, it is good if the financial condition of your family is safe as houses, and hence the money you earn will be purely spent on amusements. It is good if you can work without worrying about whether you will be able to survive until next month, next week, or even tomorrow.

It was really hard for me to see my condition as a gift. At the very least, recently I can see that independency entails freedom. By being unable to support me financially, my parents lose their power to interfere with any aspect of my life. I remember that when I was young, I afraid someday my parents would get mad and kick me out of the house. Indeed, presumably now my old woman is afraid of pissing me off, and my old man knows that we have no word for each other. I think she knows that I am defensive, and that I am ready to leave everything behind once I feel that enough is enough.

I heard that some of my friends in their 20s are still grounded by their parents. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Tell me, are you 20 or 12? Even some of them are still curtailed about night hours, going-outs, school choices, etc. In my perspective, once you get 20, parents can only tell you what they think is good for you. They have no right to restrict you at all. You are an adult. You have your own life to carry on.

I’m aware that challenges lay ahead, and I have no one to rely on. Nevertheless, I think it’s wonderful because my future triumphs will solely be mine. No one will associate them with anyone but me. You can argue with me, pals, but this is how I live my life.

kata anak kecil

dia cuma anak kecil
menghabiskan setiap harinya
di jalanan yang tidak kecil
menyanyi-nyanyi
siapa tau ada kakak baik hati
yang memberikannya uang kecil

meskipun cuma anak kecil
dia mengerti sedikit
bahwa ia tinggal di sebuah negeri
dan punya seorang pemimpin

tapi ia tidak mengerti
kenapa harus ada negeri
dan harus ada pemimpin
kalau pada akhir hari ini
ia tetaplah anak kecil yang tidak berarti

(hadiah ulang tahun untuk Mulyadi Fajar)

About 2008 and 2009

I always say that 2008 was the hardest. That's when I had to fight my anger to the man I can't rely on, and my not-so-old-woman broke my heart by being up to her ears to someone else. I was alone, being lost in the world I could not interpret. Sometimes I wish I had a big brother or a big sister because being the oldest child in the family means you will always be the first in encountering anything and no one knows better than you do, especially when you can't consider your parents as older than you are.

I had to struggle to feed myself, literally. I paid my accommodation, school fee, and thesis-related stuffs on my own. I used to teach many foreigners, spend half of my daytime to teach them--or worse, in the buses (sometimes standing). Luckily, physically I was fine. However, the hardest of all was the last few days in 2008, counting for my undergraduate thesis defense.

Some people might not believe that I had such a very low self-esteem. I think it's genetic, that I inherited it from the man I never heard of anymore. I had to fight my own weaknesses. It's ironic, considering that this WEAKness was very STRONG. I'm still fighting it, but it's much weaker now. In this term, I think I'm fine in general.

The year 2009 was a year of learning. I finally had times to think about myself, my life, my future. I started to understand the meanings of friendship and humanity. But I wasted a lot of my time back then. I hate the fact that I did not do my best. I resent the fact that I made so many mistakes. I regret the fact that I miss some important opportunities.

In the end, I realized that I can't blame anyone. I was already 20-21 (during 2009). Every single thing happened to me was a consequence of my previous acts, decisions, and attitudes. That's why I regretted it even worse. This feeling engulfed me for a few days in December. I was afraid of what might happen in 2010.

My biggest fear is that I would not be able to go to school again. But, hell, I'll do anything for this. I'll decimate anything on my way there. So, please don't expect much from me. Travel and holiday? Crap, I'd rather save my money, and spend my time to work or study. Expensive shoes? That's in the bottom of my list.

Study, study, study. Graduate study. I don't care with anything else.

I am grateful that I have many good friends. But everyone has their own battle, and though you can expect others to support you, you can't expect anyone to help you. For me, 2010 is when the future is near, and I'm ensuring myself that there's nothing to fear...

First Post in 2010

A nice friend of mine complained the fact that I haven't post anything in my blog for a while. So I decided to do it.

Currently I'm busy with my translation job, a book about finance as far as I'm concerned. I also have to make 2 papers in favor of my graduate school application. And I'm lack of money! For me, 2010 has a lousy start. Hopefully, things will go much better this year.

See you again later :)

Desember 2009

Kini

Langit tetap hening di kejauhan,
kala matahari melara bintang yang telah padam,
tapi syukurlah angin menemukan kawan seperjalanan
tanpa meninggalkanku di belakang.
(Friday, December 11, 2009 at 11:15am)


Kini 2

Tak ingin ku bertanya
kepada langit yang digantungi awan,
kepada matahari yang menyilaukan,
kepada bintang yang ditelan malam,
selama angin-anginku tetap di sana
meniup pergi kegelisahan
(Saturday, December 12, 2009 at 6:52am)


Kembali

Aku ingin bernyanyi
mengalahkan desir angin
dan mungkin sesekali
mendengarkan senandungmu
(Thursday, December 17, 2009 at 6:57pm)