Tuesday, January 19, 2010

They Are My Dreams

University of Cambridge

University of Oxford

I hope everything will be fine.
If I end up reading in one of them,
I think I'd be happy for the rest of my life.

Monday, January 18, 2010

Childhood Celebrity Crushes

Nick Carter and Aaron Cater

Okay, speaking about celebrity crushes, I can't skip them. I loved them so much during my teenage. Even my baby brother's name Nicko refers to Nick Carter, hahahaha. But their careers are not doing great lately. It's okay. There are other cute guys out there ;D

Dave Moffatt

I should have wondered why he never dated any girl! Last year I found out that he's a gay.

Bertrand Antolin

When I was in the sixth grade, I always watched Clear Top 10, mostly because he was the host (with Dewi Sandra). Well, I've just heard the rumour about his marriage with Indra L. Bruggman. Okay, he's another gay.

Tom Welling

I love him in Smallville! The cutest Clark Kent ever. And I'm glad he's married.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Does Fix You by Coldplay Have a Clunky Wording?

1. Background
“Fix You” is a song by an English alternative rock band named Coldplay. It was written by all four members of the band for their third album, X & Y. It was written by all four members of the band for their third album, X & Y . This song became popular worldwide in 2005, yet it was critisized as having a clunky wording . This fact drove me to analise the song’s lyric from linguistics point of view, focusing on its rhymes and clauses which are related heavily to its wording.

A song may contain, though not always, rhymes. This feature will make the song more easy-listening and familiar to the listeners. Coldplay often uses rhymes in their songs, and Fix You is one of their songs which contain rhymes in every verse. This essay will phonologically discuss what those rhymes are and their patterns.

Aside from any figurative meaning, interpreting the full meanings of a song might be difficult before its sentences are determined by analysing its clauses. Fix You contains many conjunctions, thereby listeners might find it difficult to perceive the main clauses. Consequently, they would only seize embedded clauses and a pile of separated meanings. This essay will also discuss how to determine main and subordinate clauses in Fix You, including detecting ellipsis and complementizers.

Finally, there will be an insight of whether Fix You really has a clunky wording. The full lyrics of this song is provided in the last two pages of this essay (after references).

2. Analysis
This part is divided into “rhymes” (phonological feature) and “clauses” (syntactic feature).

2.1. Rhymes
This song contains many rhymes. The most visible ones are each last words in each verse. However, rhymes in this song are not that simple, and it should be observed as a whole. Therefore, the data divided into verses and a chorus to be analysed separately, and then thoroughly.

Lines in Verse I are ended by [sək’si:d], [ni:d], [sli:p], [ri’və:s]. Only the last line is ended by a different vowel -- [ə] in [və:s], while the others are ended by [i] in [i:d] and [i:p]. Both [d] and [p] are plosive consonants, and this fact supports the similarities between [sək’si:d], [ni:d], and [sli:p].

Lines in Verse II are ended by [feis], [ri’pleis], [weist], [wə:s]. Again, only the last line has a different vowel, for the others are ended by [eis] or [eist]. Both [s] and [t] are alveolar consonants, and hence it facilitates the movement from [eis] to [eist].

Verse I and Verse II have distinct last lines, ended by [ri’və:s] and [wə:s] respectively. A rhyme can be derived from here because they contain similar syllables, [və:s] and [wə:s]. Considering that [v] and [w] are voiced consonants, it is acceptable to refer [ri’və:s] and [wə:s] as having the same rhyme.

Chorus of this song has three rhymes. The lines are ended by [houm], [bouns], [ju:]. The last one, [ju:], will be explained later. Since [houm] and [bouns] are closely related according to the fact that [m] and [n] are nasal consonants, they are considered as a rhyme. Meanwhile, [n] and [s] are alveolar consonants, thereby it indicates no significant movement in its pronounciation; hence [bouns] rhymes with [houm].

Another rhyme in the chorus can be found in the middle of the lines. They are [gaid], [ig’nait], [trai]. There are two similarities which make them acceptable as a rhyme. First, all of them contains [ai]. Second, [d] and [t] are plosive bilabial consonants. The fact that there is no closing consonant in [trai] is not a significant difference.

There are also thwo rhymes in Verse III. Lines in this verse are ended by [bi’lou], [gou], [knou], [wə:θ]. There is a lucid rhyme between [bi’lou], [gou], [knou] which have the same diphtong [ou]. However, the last one, [wə:θ], rhymes with [ri’və:s] and [wə:s] from Verse I and Verse II because both [s] and [θ] are fricative consonants.

There is another rhyme in Verse III which occurs in the middle of its lines. They are [ə’bΛv] and [lΛv]. The word [trai] in (n) line is not similar enough to be considered as rhyming with [ə’bΛv] and [lΛv].

Rhymes in Verse IV and Verse V have similar pattern with Verse I and Verse II. Every lines in Verse IV and Verse V are ended by [eis] in [feis] and [ri’pleis], except (u) which is ended by [eik] in [mi’steik]. However, they still have the same diphtong – [ei]; hence, they are considered a rhyme. Another rhyme is [ænd ai] in (s) and (w), forming a rhyme in different verses.

As the title of this song is “Fix You”, this clause is repeated several times. In fact, verse containing [fiks ju:] is repeated three times thoroughly, and hence this verse is called chorus. The last line of this chorus, (k), is [ænd ai wil trai tu: fiks ju:]. The last lines of Verse IV and Verse V are designed to deliver the last chorus repetition smoothly by copying its first two phones in (k) -- [ænd ai].

2.2 Clauses
A clause is a sentence that contains one predicate which expresses an event in the clause, and typically (though not always) centres on a verb (Tellerman, 1998: 63). A sentence must consist of at least one independent clause (a clause which contain a finite verb). When there are more than one clause in a sentence, one of them is a main clause, and the others are embedded/subordinate clauses. In addition, relative clauses are a type of embedded clause which modifies a noun (Tellerman, 1998: 82).

The first verse consists of subordinate clauses. Although each of line (a), (b), and (c) has more than one clause, all of them are subordinate clauses because they are iniatiated by conjunctions (when or but) and a pronoun (what). The later forms two noun subordinate clauses in line (b). Every subordinate clauses in (a), (b), and (c) are independent clauses as each of them has a finite verb. The subordinate clauses are shown below with # signs to mark the clause boundaries, and the finite verbs are in bold.

Verse I
(a) when you try your best # but you don't succeed
(b) when you get # what you want # but not what you need
(c) when you feel so tired # but you can't sleep
(d) stuck in reverse

The last line in Verse I, stuck in reverse, has no subject; hence it is a dependent clause. However, this text is a song, thereby the occurrence of ellipsis is possible. Ellipsis occurs when some essential structural element is omitted from a sentence or clause and can only be recovered by referring to an element in the preceding text (Nunan, 1993: 25). It is suggested that this line has an ellipsis referring to you which has been mentioned in every previous clauses. Therefore, the last line is suggested to be a main clause you are stuck in reverse, and embedded by three subordinate clauses -- (a), (b), and (c). In conclusion, conditions in (a), (b), and (c) are describing line (d).

In Verse II, line (e), (f), and (g) are subordinate clauses as they are started with conjunctions (when or but). In line (f), the second clause is a relative clause with a gap that should be filled by that. There are two dependent clauses; the second clause in line (e) which has a participle streaming, and the last clause in line (g) which is an infinitive to waste.

Verse II
(e) when the tears come # streaming down your face
(f) when you lose something # (that) you can't replace
(g) when you love someone # but it goes # to waste
(h) could it be worse

The next line is could it be worse. Since the line has a subject/auxiliary inversion (switching of position), it is a main clause. The key is the word it. In this essay, it is assumed as referring to the situation described in the previous verse – (you are) stuck in reverse. The line (e), (f), and (g) are subordinate clauses embedded to line (h). The function of these subordinate clauses is to add new conditions that could make it become worse.

Chorus of this song consists of three lines. The first line is a main clause lights will guide you home. Therefore, it is clear that the other lines, which are initiated by conjunction and, are embedded to the first line.

(i) lights will guide you home
(j) and ignite your bones
(k) and I will try to fix you

Verse III has four lines. Clauses in line (l) and first clauses in (m), (n) are initiated by conjunctions – and, or, when, and but respectively. The last line is initiated by an adverb just and a pronoun what. Hence, all lines in Verse III are subordinate clauses.

Verse III
(l) and high up above # or down below
(m) when you (are) too in love # to let # it go
(n) but if you never try # you'll never know
(o) just what you’re worth

Clauses in Verse III should be detailed further. Clauses in the first line does not have any subject and verb. There is no verb in the first clause of line (m), but it is suggested that a finite verb are fills this gap. The second and third clauses of this line has non-finite verbs to let and go. Actually in line (n), if you never try you’ll never know can form a sentence because it contains an independent clause -- you’ll never know. Nevertheless, since it is attached to an intrasentence conjunction, but, it is not a sentence. The last line in Verse III, just what you’re worth is a noun subordinate clause since it contains a pronoun (what).

It has been discussed that Verse III only consists of subordinate clauses. A reasonable solution to this problem is considering one of the clauses in Verse as a main clause. There are two lines started with coordinative conjunctions, (k) with and, and (n) with but. Line (k) is the most possible option as and is a conjunction of which function is to give equal additional information, unlike but which requires a prior contradiction. Furthermore, line (k) needs a subject to fill the gap caused by an ellipsis. Because the subjects of other lines in this verse are you, line (k) should be modified into you are high up above and down below which can be embedded by the other lines in Verse III.

Verse IV consists of three lines, and the last line is a copy of the first line. Line (p) and (r) are independent clauses. The subordinate clauses in line (q) can be embedded to either line (p) or (r).

Verse IV
(p) tears stream down your face
(q) when you lose something # (that) you cannot replace
(r) tears stream down your face
(s) and I…

There are three lines in Verse V. Like the previous verse, its last line is a copy of the first line. Every line has at least one independent clause. In line (t), the second clause is a subordinate clause because it contains an omitted complementizer that.

Verse V
(t) tears stream down your face
(u) I promise you # (that) I will learn from my mistakes
(v) tears stream down your face
(w) and I…

Line (s) and (v) only consists of a conjunction and a pronoun, therefore they are not clauses. Similar to what has been stated in 2.1, the last lines of Verse IV and Verse V are designed to deliver the last chorus repetition smoothly by copying its first two words in (k) -- and I.

3. Conclusion
In creating “Fix You”, Coldplay carefully chose some sets of words with same vowels or diphtongs to form rhymes. Some of them even followed by similar consonants, such as the plosive consonants [d] and [p] of [sək’si:d], [ni:d], and [sli:p] in Verse I. Patterns of the rhymes are not limited into each verse. Rhymes created by Coldplay in this song also occur cross-verses. Furthermore, the rhymes are not only perceivable in the end of the lines, but some of them exist in the middle of the line.

“Fix You” mostly consists of subordinate clauses. One verse of this song may only has one sentence. When there is no main clause in a verse, the most possible subordinate clause can be modified to form a main clause. Therefore, they become a sentence, and its meaning becomes more visible.

From those have been discussed above, rhymes in Fix You are not simple. Despite of the complicity of its rhymes, the visibility of this song’s meanings can be endorsed by only doing a few extra efforts. Therefore, for a song carefully designed like Fix You by Coldplay, having a clunky wording is not an appropriate criticism.


Kridalaksana, Harimurti and Research Team on Linguistics of the Faculty of Literature of University of Indonesia (1999) “Syntax (Fifth Draft).” Study Material of Department of Indonesian Literature, Depok.

Nunan, David (1993) Introducing Discourse Analysis. London: Penguin English.

Tellerman, Maggie (1998) Understanding Syntax. London: Arnold of Hodder Headline Group.

Phones are derived from The New Horizon Ladder Dictionary by John and Sara Shaw in Besta ID-78 (an electronic dictionary produced by Invented Besta Co., Ltd which is distributed in Indonesia).

“Fix You” by Coldplay

Verse I
(a) when you try your best but you don't succeed
(b) when you get what you want but not what you need
(c) when you feel so tired but you can't sleep
(d) stuck in reverse

Verse II
(e) when the tears come streaming down your face
(f) when you lose something you can't replace
(g) when you love someone but it goes to waste
(h) could it be worse

(i) lights will guide you home
(j) and ignite your bones
(k) and I will try to fix you

Verse III
(l) and high up above or down below
(m) when you too in love to let it go
(n) but if you never try you'll never know
(o) just what you’re worth
(back to Chorus)

Verse IV
(p) tears stream down your face
(q) when you lose something you cannot replace
(r) tears stream down your face
(s) and I...

Verse V
(t) tears stream down your face
(u) I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
(v) tears stream down your face
(w) and I...
(back to Chorus)

Friday, January 8, 2010

The Bronze Charging Bull


It is placed in Wall Street. Why am I interested in this particular statue? We'll figure it out later.

Success Through A Positive Mental Attitude by Napoleon Hill

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This is not my favorite project. There were many problems along the way, but I'm grateful that I've handled it. It's a learning process, however, and I'm new in this business.

This is young Napoleon Hill.

L. Ron Hubbard

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This L. Ron Hubbard guy is very awesome. He is an extremely productive author of any kinds of novels, starting with pulp fiction in the 1920s to science-fiction in around half a century later. What makes him even more special is half of his own life comprised the adventures he wrote. This is one of his works, a cowboy story. It reminded me of Lucky Luke.

Hush, Hush by Becca Fitzpatrick

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I received this book yesterday, free from my office (just a dummy of it, but it's FREE, hahaha). We're running a review competition for this book (see it here). I have read this fantasy novel last night, only two and a half chapters. It's quite interesting, but not fascinating enough for me. I really prefer City of Bones, hahaha, not only because the latter is my project, but also because I love fast-flow stories. Hush, Hush is not slow, but I need something faster.

Cash in a Flash by Mark Victor Hansen and Robert G. Allen

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This is my first project in Ufuk Press. I thought it was difficult, but recently I realized that it's nothing compared to my current project.

Overall, it is a really nice book about encouraging yourself to be a winner and gain much money with a fascinating fiction about its application. It challenged me to look for appropriate translations of some terms made-up by the writers. I loved it. Even though a reader complained about my editing, that's fine. I'm going to be better in the future.

The most wonderful thing is I received to free copies of this book yesterday. It is expensive, and I wouldn't buy it on my own. Moreover, I love having new books, more books, especially with good package, regardless of its genres, hahaha.

The Next Evolution of Marketing by Bob Gilbreath

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This is a cool book about marketing with meaning. It's definitely not my field of interest, but I enjoyed translating it. Yesterday during a meeting in my office, I applied what I've learned from this book to promote City of Bones (read my previous post). I'm glad that my boss appreciated my ideas, and we are actually running them.

That's why I love my job. It obliged me (forced me, sometimes) to read various stuffs that I wouldn't have glanced. However, I strongly believe that I have to learn something from anything I do, and that's what I did with this book. That's why, despite of many difficulties I'm facing due to my current project, I'm still trying to learn something from it.

Cheers :)

City of Bones by Cassandra Clare

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I've finished translating this book a few months ago, and it will be published next month. I'm so proud of this project, since I tackled the whole 485 pages down in only 5 weeks.

Yesterday, we've discussed the pre-promotion and post-promotion strategies. I gave them many new tactics, having learned it from The Next Evolution of Marketing (read my subsequent post). Hopefully, this book will be the next big hit.

My review about this novel is available here. Unfortunately, it's only in Indonesian.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Let's Go to the Office!

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Actually, I wrote it 8 hours ago.

I rarely go to my office, let alone going there for a meeting. But today is the day. They invited me to attend a meeting in which we will discuss the package and promotional strategies of a novel I translated, City of Bones.

I am so excited because I've been thinking about how to promote this novel. I think there's a big possibility that this novel would be the next hit after Stepehenie Meyer's Twilight Saga. Moreover, Meyer's subsequent saga is written for the young adults, not teenager, and hence we have a large audience waiting for something new for them!

The fact that my current project is out of my interest has also driven my eagerness toward this meeting. I wish my boss would give me popular novels more oftern, but I don't have the right to choose, I can only tell him about it. However, receiving any project is much better than not having any. So I just have to do my best.


Tuesday, January 5, 2010


I’m so glad that Motion FM (97,50) is playing boyband tracks during this whole January. Yaaaay! Despite how melancholic they were, I loved them. Listening to their songs really bring back my childhood memories. Here I provide you with some of my favorites.

Backstreet Boys

They are my all-time beloved boyband. I still listen to their songs frequently. My first encounter with their sons was accidental. I bought a VCD of the Little Mermaid, but the first disc comprise the songs of Backstreet Boys and Michael Learns to Rock. My brother liked the latter, and of course I loved the earlier. I can say that I grew up with the Backstreet Boys, and I’m glad to find that they still exist though their oldest member has resigned. My Favorite Song: 10.000 Promises (accapella version).


I wasn’t a big fan of theirs, but I admit that they did have terrific songs and quality. However, they didn’t last long. My Favorite Song: If You Come Back.


I bought the first version of their first album, but then the marketing team went wildly and released two or three other versions. That’s crazy as well as the whole buzz about them. At that time, you can ask a girl, “Do you like Westlife?” as if asking whether they have a Twitter account. I think they are still exist, but almos unheard. My Favorite Song: Flying Without Wings.

This was Westlife’s big brother as they were nurtured by the very same manager. They were not cool at all, but I like some of their songs. My Favorite Song: Love Me For A Reason.

The Moffatts

They were not boyband since they played musical instruments. However, many people refered them as one because they are young and cute. They broke up as soon as they became young adults, and later I found out that Dave Moffatt is actually a homosexual (I’m not opposing it, but ouch he broke my heart). Bob and Clint Moffatt formed a duo named Same Same with which a young Indonesian female singer had a chance to make a duet, but they only lasted for one album. My Favorite Song: Misery.


No comments:
Again I wrote it last night on 23.30 pm GMT+7

It’s another bleak night with a hungry belly, stiff neck, and tired knees, but I’m grateful that my spine is fine. Something’s wrong with the gas stove that I can’t ignite it, thereby I can’t cook anything. To make things worse, my current translation project is still killing me. I only have 42 more pages to go, but I know that a long and complicated correction will be needed. So now I’m running away by writing about something I like the most.

Facebook is a brilliant invention. I wasn’t really fascinated by Friendster, but I’ve spent the whole 2009 on Facebooking. I made my Facebook account on late August 2008, but I started using it frequently subsequent to my undergraduate thesis defense in the following December. The biggest incentive was my latest mobile phone which allowed me to be online whenever and wherever. Soon I found myself addicted to this social network site, and it’s fun.

Undoubtly, Facebook played an important role in my social life during 2009. I reunited with many old friends, made new friends, and became closer to some others. However, my favorite part was people’s tendency to share their private life in Facebook. Following their status updates was fun, sometimes it’s similar to reading romances. Moreover, owing to the fact that I have such a deep curiosity over other people’s business, I used to wander about my friends’ profiles. I’ve managed to find out the girl he had a crush on or the new boyfriend she had but didn’t want to share.

Well, the greatest thing about Facebook is it doesn’t share page views information. Therefore, I can blissfully haunting my friends. I refered myself as a Facebook ghoul. Once my friend even predicated me as a Facebook detective after I had told her how to gain a specific information by using Facebook. Hence, I know more than they think I do, but not rarely I have to pretend to be don’t because they might be afraid of me, hahaha.

In consequence, Facebook took a great proportion of my time. It decreased my working effectivity and efficiency significantly. Today is the seventh day I live without mobile phone Facebooking. Even I stayed at home for 3 days without any touch with Facebook. I did go to the internet café to open my Facebook account during the last 3 days, but overall, I visited Facebook drastically less often since I couldn’t access it from my mobile phone.

But I still love Facebook, and I hope people will not leave it, being more attracted to Twitter or Plurk or MySpace. Actually, blogging is another hot stuff, but less people will create one, let alone post something to it consistently. By the way, if you don’t know me in person, I don’t recommend you to add my Facebook account. On the contrary, my Twitter account is open to everyone. Anyway, I have to remind you that I usually write there in Indonesian, not English.

Monday, January 4, 2010


I wrote it last night on around 23.30 GMT+7

I know precisely that I have to finish my translation as soon as possible. But it’s very difficult. I’ve never imagined myself dealing with investment banking terms. I had no idea about CDO, CLO, MBS, SIV, and God knows what else. I knew nothing about Lehman Brothers, JPMorganChase, Goldman Sachs, Bear Stearns, Merrill Lynch, and others. Now I see their names running before my eyes.

It really exhausts me day by day. Fortunately, I’m using it as an escapist act from doing my written works for my gradute application. Therefore, I can go on.

In the end of the day, I’m so tired and hungry, please help me :’(

Family Planning

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Two weeks ago my friend told me that her older sister was pregnant, and it’s her third. Her sister’s nuclear family is living under the very same roof with my friend and their mother. My point is they are not rich, yet the third baby is coming. I don’t understand. Everybody knows that life is only getting harder. What are they thinking?

I was too young to comprehend what I’m talking now when the Family Planning (Keluarga Berencana) was strongly campaigned by the former president Soeharto. But even when I was in junior high school, I understood that having fewer children is more sensible. Somehow I regret asking my mother to have another baby when I was 8. I also regret the fact that my mother was careless with her pregnancy prevention program when I was 13. Don’t get me wrong, I love my baby sister and baby brother (though it’s true I don’t love my first younger brother). But things would be easier if our family only consists of 4 individuals as the Family Planning always suggested.

Some families think that they are ready, or wealthy enough, to have more than two children. What I see now is many older children have to pay for their younger siblings’ school fees. In consequences, it is extremely difficult for these older ones to pursue a higher degree, let alone it is also possible that they are not lucky enough to finish any undergraduate study. In that case, I consider parents as irresponsible. You are the ones made babies, and then you must afford them without any exception.

It is not fair for young people to be burdened by their younger siblings. Life is already hard enough without having to raise “your children” when you should be pursuing your goals. This demonic circle also binds the younger siblings when they have to pay back by affording their nieces and/or nephews.

Even if you are a rich couple, it is still better to have only 2 children. Keep it in your mind that you will be able to provide them with much better facilities than if you have more children. Maybe you can even send them to study abroad.

I profoundly think that this issue is strongly related to the fact that Indonesian people are developing slowly both in economy and education. I have nothing to say but, dear friends, don’t think about “it is fun to have many kids”, but remember that “having fewer children will give them better opportunities”. I am serious.

Beyond My Misfortune

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It’s funny that I revert to my old habit—blogging—again after abandoning it for a few months. It reminds me about writing a diary, I enjoyed it a lot, and then neglect it, and then came back with a new excitement to it. There are always stories to tell. I’m not talkative (usually, I let my friends tell me anything, and I don’t say much about myself), but I do love writing.

This time I’m going to contemplate about what I considered as a misfortune. I’ve learned that if I see it through a different glasses, I would find a blessing. However, sometimes my evil side tries to drown me with her negative perspectives; thereby I need to prescribe it in order to remind myself about how lucky I am.

First of all, I hate money. Let me assure you that I injected every ounce of resentment steaming in my heart into the word hate. When I was 5 until 10, I had many costly courses. I really enjoyed it despite what other they-thought-they-know-everything-but-hell-actually-they-don’t people said about elementary school students should just play around and have fun with their peers. Hey, I was happy. I didn’t mind about not having pretty schoolbags or cute dresses. I wanted courses, more courses. Years later I realized that those courses were expensive to be afforded by my family, but my old woman knew that they worth much more than buying a new carpet or even a magic jar. My good grades were her only relief (even though I don’t think my grades were good enough).

Things were heading south as my old man started locking himself in his puny world. I can’t say I enjoyed my teenage life. College years were worse. The old man was practically unproductive. There was no income. Who in their right mind would not try their best when they have two kids under 20 and two kids under 10? Well, my old man would.

When I was 19, I was compelled to be independent. Yes, I knew that it’s already time. In France, it is legal for parents to evict their own children over 18 years old (I am sure it is fine to be done in Indonesia too since there is no law about it). Moreover, some of my friends had become independent one or two years earlier. Well, the difference was their old men also tried their best or have passed away. What happened to me was my old man said nothing, asked nothing. He’s healthy and he got some skill. But he did almost nothing. I’ve long considered him as NOT EXIST. Later I found that it is much better than having a brutal or dictatorial old man.

Many of my friends expressed their envy to my capability to stand on my own feet. They thought that working and having their own money is a very good thing. Well, it is good if the financial condition of your family is safe as houses, and hence the money you earn will be purely spent on amusements. It is good if you can work without worrying about whether you will be able to survive until next month, next week, or even tomorrow.

It was really hard for me to see my condition as a gift. At the very least, recently I can see that independency entails freedom. By being unable to support me financially, my parents lose their power to interfere with any aspect of my life. I remember that when I was young, I afraid someday my parents would get mad and kick me out of the house. Indeed, presumably now my old woman is afraid of pissing me off, and my old man knows that we have no word for each other. I think she knows that I am defensive, and that I am ready to leave everything behind once I feel that enough is enough.

I heard that some of my friends in their 20s are still grounded by their parents. That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Tell me, are you 20 or 12? Even some of them are still curtailed about night hours, going-outs, school choices, etc. In my perspective, once you get 20, parents can only tell you what they think is good for you. They have no right to restrict you at all. You are an adult. You have your own life to carry on.

I’m aware that challenges lay ahead, and I have no one to rely on. Nevertheless, I think it’s wonderful because my future triumphs will solely be mine. No one will associate them with anyone but me. You can argue with me, pals, but this is how I live my life.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

kata anak kecil

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dia cuma anak kecil
menghabiskan setiap harinya
di jalanan yang tidak kecil
siapa tau ada kakak baik hati
yang memberikannya uang kecil

meskipun cuma anak kecil
dia mengerti sedikit
bahwa ia tinggal di sebuah negeri
dan punya seorang pemimpin

tapi ia tidak mengerti
kenapa harus ada negeri
dan harus ada pemimpin
kalau pada akhir hari ini
ia tetaplah anak kecil yang tidak berarti

(hadiah ulang tahun untuk Mulyadi Fajar)

About 2008 and 2009

I always say that 2008 was the hardest. That's when I had to fight my anger to the man I can't rely on, and my not-so-old-woman broke my heart by being up to her ears to someone else. I was alone, being lost in the world I could not interpret. Sometimes I wish I had a big brother or a big sister because being the oldest child in the family means you will always be the first in encountering anything and no one knows better than you do, especially when you can't consider your parents as older than you are.

I had to struggle to feed myself, literally. I paid my accommodation, school fee, and thesis-related stuffs on my own. I used to teach many foreigners, spend half of my daytime to teach them--or worse, in the buses (sometimes standing). Luckily, physically I was fine. However, the hardest of all was the last few days in 2008, counting for my undergraduate thesis defense.

Some people might not believe that I had such a very low self-esteem. I think it's genetic, that I inherited it from the man I never heard of anymore. I had to fight my own weaknesses. It's ironic, considering that this WEAKness was very STRONG. I'm still fighting it, but it's much weaker now. In this term, I think I'm fine in general.

The year 2009 was a year of learning. I finally had times to think about myself, my life, my future. I started to understand the meanings of friendship and humanity. But I wasted a lot of my time back then. I hate the fact that I did not do my best. I resent the fact that I made so many mistakes. I regret the fact that I miss some important opportunities.

In the end, I realized that I can't blame anyone. I was already 20-21 (during 2009). Every single thing happened to me was a consequence of my previous acts, decisions, and attitudes. That's why I regretted it even worse. This feeling engulfed me for a few days in December. I was afraid of what might happen in 2010.

My biggest fear is that I would not be able to go to school again. But, hell, I'll do anything for this. I'll decimate anything on my way there. So, please don't expect much from me. Travel and holiday? Crap, I'd rather save my money, and spend my time to work or study. Expensive shoes? That's in the bottom of my list.

Study, study, study. Graduate study. I don't care with anything else.

I am grateful that I have many good friends. But everyone has their own battle, and though you can expect others to support you, you can't expect anyone to help you. For me, 2010 is when the future is near, and I'm ensuring myself that there's nothing to fear...

Saturday, January 2, 2010

First Post in 2010

A nice friend of mine complained the fact that I haven't post anything in my blog for a while. So I decided to do it.

Currently I'm busy with my translation job, a book about finance as far as I'm concerned. I also have to make 2 papers in favor of my graduate school application. And I'm lack of money! For me, 2010 has a lousy start. Hopefully, things will go much better this year.

See you again later :)


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